Going Crazy
by Kuroheit
Summary: Chuuya is struggling to cope with his real feelings for Dazai, his ex-partner and traitor to the Port Mafia. A lyric fanfiction based off of EXO's English lyrics for Going Crazy. Each paragraph, sentence, or bit of dialogue of the fic is inspired by each line of the song.


***Disclaimer* I do not own the rights to Bungou Stray Dogs or its characters. Nor do I own the rights to EXO's English lyrics for their song Going Crazy. However, their lyrics did inspire me to write the the fic the way that I did.**

* * *

 _It pushes up to me like thickening fog  
_ _Cutting off my breath, it's killing me_

The scenario his mind attempted to recall was hazy. Corruption always did that to him. The last time he used it was when he and his partner were renowned as Double Black. Before _he_ betrayed the Port Mafia.

 _These infected wounds are getting deeper, they keep aching  
_ _(But it was you)_

Sometimes Chuuya wondered if he wouldn't mind being devoured by his true ability. Oh, it hurt like a living hell, making his skin itch, and his blood boil. But it was his ability to do with as he wished. Except it wasn't. _He_ , _Dazai_ , was always there to pull him away from Death's grasp in the nick of time.

 _That nightmarish day comes to mind,  
_ _I tell myself it won't be like that this time_

Which memory was he trying to sort through now? He couldn't say. A brush with death thrilled him to his very core. Especially having done it on several occasions, meaning it had to be _that_ time. The feelings he remembered were as fresh as an open wound.

 _You're fading away, don't know what you want_

News traveled fast when Dazai officially left the mafia. One of their most fearsome executives disappeared in the blink of an eye. Mori was disappointed. Akutagawa was devastated. As for Chuuya, well, he wanted to rip out Dazai's throat more than usual.

 _The thick fog clears up and everything's clear_

He never cared. It was obvious now. Their relationship went further than mere partners. They knew everything about each other. Could predict the other's thoughts and actions five moves in advance. There were no secrets between them because it was difficult to keep them hidden when your partner could read you like an open book.

 _The traces of your lies passing by like a strip of film_

Yet, Dazai never actually cared. Would he have left otherwise? All the emotion that spilled over only a few nights before had to be bottled up in order for Chuuya to move on. The love and passion secretly a sweet poison that he happily drank. He needed a way to express the anguish that consumed him. He preferred Corruption to this any day.

 _I hate you_

"You're a fucking liar, and I should have known better. I always did have a habit of falling for your stupid tricks, but no more."

 _Going crazy_

Bottles of wine became the friends that helped him drown his misery. The taste of each one burned the back of his throat. It was pure bliss compared to everything else.

 _All that's left for me is your deep scars_

The bruises marring his skin weren't fully healed. These ones were darker than the last set he received after using Corruption. Chuuya suffered from more fatal, festering wounds; the gouge marks carved deep into his beating heart.

 _And they'll never fade, I'm going crazy_

"You could have granted me a favor you selfish prick. Tearing my heart out would have hurt a lot less, you know." He wanted to speak those words to Dazai, but he held his tongue. After all, it was their first meeting since he had left.

 _Looking at me like it's nothing. Baby won't you stop?_

Chuuya expected Dazai to make some stupid joke. Poking fun at the short redhead was one of his favorite pass times when they were together. He usually never meant what he said, but it normally angered Chuuya nonetheless. "Short and short-tempered," Dazai commented once with a big grin on his face.

 _There's no hope, making excuses like that_

Dazai didn't do excuses. It wasn't in his nature. Chuuya was the one making up excuses for Dazai, and he hadn't so much as realized it. "I won't apologize for leaving. You wouldn't have come with me had I asked."

 _You drive me crazy, the moment I blink I'm cut_

"Leave me alone, bandage-wasting device." Dazai's straightforward attitude left another gouge mark. No regret or remorse coated his voice. Not even a small dip of longing. Chuuya had a hard time looking him in the eyes.

 _By your sharp tongue, just like that_

"I can't leave you alone. They need us to bring back Double Black one more time." A part of Chuuya needed to be close to Dazai again. It was all he really wanted. However, the rest of him was repulsed by the idea of working with the suicide enthusiast again.

 _My eyes and ears, hands and feet, so much more_

At least, he assumed it was repulsion, but in reality it was fear. He feared he would grow too attached to the man he used to call his partner. Then, when everything was said and done, Dazai would be some phantom wind that flew out of his life just as fast as he had flown in.

 _What did I even see and hear?_

"I love you," Dazai whispered softly enough for Chuuya not to hear. They headed toward their instructed location, traveling some distance away from each other. Dazai led the way while Chuuya refused to get any closer.

 _It's like my body's not even mine, I can't control it_

He was lost in thought the entire walk there. Loathing Dazai was practically the same as loving Dazai. So what did he really feel? A migraine coming on, that's what. There wasn't any time to process the rest of the mess clouding his mind because it was time to fight.

 _The thick fog clears up and everything's clear  
_ _(I let you control)_

Chuuya spoke the dark words without hesitation. Whether or not Dazai planned to nullify Corruption didn't matter to him anymore. "Oh, Grantors of Dark Disgrace Do Not Wake Me Again."

 _The traces of your lies passing by like a strip of film_

An abyss opened up beneath him. He fell further than last time, losing himself in an instant. His focus was solely on the opponent before him.

 _I hate you_

Chuuya built up his hatred for Dazai, and aimed it at the enemy. He repeated the process over and over and over again. He wasn't nearly as burnt out as he thought he was going to be, but then again, he couldn't actually tell.

 _Going crazy_

He fired one black hole after the next without any regard for his surroundings. Fuck it if he hit something or someone he wasn't supposed to. What did he care? They were dumb for getting in his way.

 _All that's left for me is your deep scars_

The gouges in his heart no longer mattered either. Instead, his heart was shriveling from the decay of his ability. The rate at which his body deteriorated was astounding.

 _And they'll never fade_

Maybe Chuuya's heart would decide burst. Then, no one would know about the marks. Know that he was lovesick and starved for attention. He didn't need anyone to know how much Dazai meant to him, and how much it hurt to have lost him once before.

 _I'm going crazy_

The glowing marks on his skin itched like a bug bite. He wanted to use his hands to tear his flesh open, but they were busy making more miniature black holes.

 _Going crazy_

His blood boiled over like lava from an erupting volcano. It dripped from his nose and mouth, running down his chin. The blood leaving searing pain in its wake.

 _Going crazy_

Chuuya's body was an immovable rock, but something he couldn't explain urged him to keep moving forward. Each step heavier than the last. If he had any control over his body, then he could easily change the gravity around him in order to float like a feather.

 _Going crazy_

Death welcomed him with open arms. He reached his hand out ready to submit to the darkness looming over him.

 _My heart is racing like it's about to burst_

Chuuya had a difficult time deciding if he was excited or nervous. Perhaps both. Craving death was another one of Dazai's habits, and Chuuya never understood the reason behind it. Now it might all make sense.

 _I wanna know what's next  
_ _Adrenaline rush_

"I don't care anymore. I'm ready. What is the afterlife like?"

 _Pumping through my whole body_

A familiar pull tethered him to the world of the living. The looming darkness vanished, whispering sweet promises of another time. The hushed voices made it a point to tell him he was not, in fact, ready.

 _Don't know what you do to mean Oh_

"That's enough, Chuuya. You need to take it easy," another voice said. Dazai's hand wrapped around his small wrist to stop the next black hole from being released. Chuuya's knees buckled, and he dropped to the ground slowly regaining what was left of his sanity.

 _My reasoning only gives me one answer_

Chuuya knew his body was at its limit. He was going to pass out soon, but he needed to talk to Dazai. Death didn't want him so he had to face the truth even with running the risk of being rejected.

 _But my heart isn't sure, call me crazy I still want you_

"Dazai... You didn't let me die, and I can't say I'm grateful..." Chuuya's breathing was ragged. His lungs tried their best to catch whatever oxygen they could.

"You sound like me," Dazai's features softened. "That's kind of scary."

 _Up and down like a roller coaster_

"Let me finish," Chuuya growled. For Chuuya's benefit, Dazai listened intently. "I'm sick and tired of thinking about you day in and day out. I can only afford so much alcohol."

 _Have I not gotten a hold of myself yet?_

"What is going on between the two of us? I say I hate you because it's easier than admitting the truth. The truth always hurts the worst."

 _I sink into the dark, swirling swamp_

"You left me that day. I didn't even need a goodbye. I needed to know that you were okay. What was the use of suffering on your own? I could have shared your pain," tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. He was bleeding his heart out, and quickly losing time in the process.

 _Struggling, three times, four times, and it'll keep repeating_

"You tossed me away like you didn't need me anymore, but you gave me no chance whatsoever to try and help ease your pain." The dry blood and tears mingled together.

 _I hate you_

"I fucking love you, you complete asshole."

 _Going crazy_

Chuuya lost consciousness shortly after his remark. Sleep would keep him busy for a few hours. Possibly a few days. Corruption's toll grew with each use.

 _All that's left is your deep scars and they'll never fade_

Dazai's own heart was littered with stab wounds. A knife embedded itself into his heart when Odasaku died. Another knife joined the first after he learned about Ango's betrayal. A third for his own betrayal. Not Dazai's betrayal of the Port Mafia, but of his betrayal to Chuuya.

 _I'm going crazy_

They were rivals, best friends, partners, lovers, a team, Double Black (Soukoku), and so much more. He desperately wanted Chuuya to run away with him, but his loyalty to the mafia was as strong as a bond. Making Chuuya choose would have been the ultimate slap in the face. That's when Dazai determined he wasn't going to give Chuuya a choice at all.

 _Going crazy Go go going crazy_

"Will you still say you love me if I take you back to my place tonight? You'll wake up refreshed in my bed. Is that a dream or a nightmare?"

 _Going crazy Going crazy_

Dazai was tempted to walk away. He could keep abandoning Chuuya to keep him at a distance, but as destructive as they were, they were meant for one another.

 _I hate you_

"Let's start over, and if it doesn't work then we're going to have to stop this for good. You and I can't let the past drag us down forever."

 _Going crazy_

The suicide enthusiast gently scooped the small redhead up in his arms, and carried him out of the carnage he caused.

 _Upside down, you turn my whole world on end_

Dazai made it to his apartment, and hadn't let go of Chuuya for a second.

 _I can't stop now_

Once inside, he discarded both of their shoes by the entrance. Dazai tossed Chuuya's coat and hat on his couch in passing. Then, he set about to clean Chuuya up, getting rid of the blood and grime clinging to his pale skin.

 _I'm going crazy_

Eventually, Dazai tucked Chuuya into his bed. He snuggled in right next to him, and placed a kiss on his cheek. "We're both insane, but I think you already knew that." Chuuya's soft snores were his only response.

* * *

 **Author's Note: The song reminded me so much of Chuuya and Dazai's relationship that I had to write this fic. I like to think that it's mainly in Chuuya's POV, but I never stated that it was or made it obvious. At least, I don't think I did.**


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